Bubbles.

We all live in our own little bubbles which very few of us step outside of. Our circles change, and our bubbles may become distorted, but for the most part we stay within, safe and happy until something pops our bubble and reality hits. This week a huge number of bubbles were popped, as many people were affected by a string of events across the world. The Philippines, Egypt, Syria and Manchester have all been affected by violent, cowardly attacks. 
The events in Manchester resonated with me the most, firstly because it was so close to home, but secondly because I had been to an Ariana Grande concert just 4 days before. I had seen the audience demographic, mostly children and teenage girls, and it baffles me how anyone could target such an innocent group of people on one of the best nights of their lives. I can't shake the thought that children as young as 8 never made it home. 
This is our reality now. We live in a world where we are scared to go to concerts, shopping centres, or anywhere that may draw a large crowd. It's not just in the UK and Europe, although the Western world draws the majority of the media's attention. 29 Christians killed on their way to church in Egypt, over 100 people, including 40+ children in Syria killed in an air strike, as well as the 22 in Manchester. We are living in a time where we expect attacks like this, and wonder when and where the next one will be, never expecting it to be within our bubble but always knowing in the back of our mind that it could be. Emergency services being trained specifically for these types of attacks, workers being given designated meeting points in case of scares and children in schools because taught what to do if caught up in one. 
Fighting fire with fire is not the answer, yet that is what we continue to do. We are at war with ourselves and I fear that we won't give up until there is nothing left. I don't want to bring children into a world where I am worried every time they leave the house, where they see this as normal behaviour from both sides.
I don't want anyone to be scared to explore this wonderful world of ours, but after the events of this week I think that many people will be. It's a shame that this is our reality, and I can only hope that it improves so we can live in a world without fear, although I have a horrible feeling that I am being too optimistic with that statement, and many more innocent people will have their bubbles popped and lives ruined before change starts to happen.

Insecure or vain??

I have always been the spotty one ever since starting secondary school. I remember constantly being told "you'll grow out of it" and "everyone is in the same boat." But that was 8 years ago, and nothing has changed. I hate looking in the mirror and seeing how my skin looks, I can't remember a day of my teenage years where I was happy with my appearance, and I am 20 in five months. This isn't me attention or pity seeking, this is just something I think about constantly and wanted to write about to try and get it out of my head. 

I wish I could leave the house without spending half an hour putting make up on, trying to make my skin look better. It's got to the point where no one sees me without make up on, I'll put concealer on the minute I get out of bed so even my family don't see. My sister has the same problem, but recently she has decided to stop wearing makeup, as she has realised that she doesn't care what people think. I can only hope that one day I have the same change in thoughts, but as of right now I am constantly worrying about what people think of me and what is said behind my back. I know that when people talk to me that's what they notice, I'm pretty sure that I had some nicknames in school, and I know for sure that when people say 'which one is Holly?' the reply will be 'oh, she's the spotty one.' I feel like I am constantly compared to my friends (who are all peng/10 btw), and that means that whenever I do get a someone looking at me, or trying to talk to me, I ignore it or pie them off because they can do better.

I really don't know where I am going with this post, I just wanted to get it off my chest because I am constantly worrying about how people perceive me, do their thoughts echo mine? I know people have it a lot worse, and this is something so petty to get worked up about. I must seem so vain, but it is really hard to ignore when it has been your biggest insecurity for 8 years. My high school friends have never seen me with clear skin, nor has my little cousin or my new uni friends. It impacts my self confidence to the point where sometimes I cancel plans purely because I don't want people to see my face and I am sure that is not healthy. I want to be able to go out without make up on, or just put make up on because I enjoy doing it, not because I have to. I want to go into clubs and look like all the other girls my age, not like some 13 year old who is going through her acne stage, but I am starting to lose hope that that is ever going to happen...